Afraid and scared, of what?

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House lit up at night

Just walked over to the neighbor’s house, where I have moved in today, and several other guests coming to the graduation also will be staying.

And oh my, was I aware of all the little sounds, the wide windows and that I was alone in the house?! Yes. Very much so.

Years back I was extremely afraid of being alone in the dark, and I had many different tactics for managing a night alone in our house, or brought a friend if I had to go outside in the dark.

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American duck tape

Now I was offered company to go over and get some stuff in my “new” room, but I said no thanks. I usually take moments like these to practice.

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A moose the other day

But, being here in Colorado, in the outskirts of town, it’s rather quiet and very dark at night. Something I like when looking at the moon and the stars, but not the best setup for ‘alone in an empty house’-practice.

So I decided that it was good enough to go there, get my stuff and calmly walk back and wait for the others to come.

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Rusty decorations

Maybe I’ve seen too many scary movies that take place in the US, maybe it’s just me not being trained in these types of environment, or maybe it just is what it is; not being used to a new house.

Nowadays I know that fear comes from my thinking about what is. That does not have to be true or real. Most often it’s not true and real, it’s just made up.
So, being afraid of being alone in the dark is my imagination of what could happen, there are no facts or experiences to back it up.

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Backyard

So tomorrow I’ll get more familiar with the house and surroundings in daylight, and keep practicing.

Until next time!
// Wivan

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Opposite thinking

A night on my own – quite rare in my case nowadays, and something I usually like very much; to have the possibility to do… Anything. And to take responsibility for nobody but myself.

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Cat sitting this pretty girl this week

So, with a night on my own ahead, what does my brain spin around?

“Who could I meet up with tonight? Someone in the area that I would like to see?”

Luckily I heard those thoughts and found it a bit contradictory to what I feel my deep need is – time alone. So, I did what my former self might not always dare: stay true to myself and choose time alone.

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Bud bursting

Tomorrow I’m invited to a After Work in Kristianstad, and at first I wanted to go. After a closer look on the inside, I realized that the best for me right now is to again choose to hang out with the person that’s closest to me. Myself.

//Wivan

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Alone and still a part of the whole

Resetting; creating new ways

After the blog post last week, with more questions than answers, we’ve let ourselves off the hook for a while. We’ve relaxed into the mood of tiredness, confusion and tried to “live the questions”, like the quote by Rainer Maria Rilke that Helena wrote in a comment.

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A butterfly of some kind

For a couple of days we simply didn’t answer any local calls – we simply decided to have a vacation and change our pattern of doing things. No planned events, no promises and no set times or saying yes just because it’s too hard to explain why not.
In this time, and the following days, we’ve also made sure not to make any big decisions, but to let ourselves be in a space of not knowing what we want to do of all of this. Just be.

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Sunday morning surf

The people working at and running the guest house where we stay have been very nice and helpful during this shift, taking special orders for foods we want, letting us be a bit more flexible and make sure we’re doing well and get what we want.

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Wivan love string hoppers for breakfast

Anders have spent time watching movies in the room, I’ve taken walks on my own and slipped away from some of the many conversations that are easy to get into just by looking at someone one second too long. Surfing together a couple of mornings, reading and asking for separate dishes for breakfast and dinner – not always eating the same food just to make it easier for others, but to get what we really want to have. And we’ve eaten some of the meals in our room instead of in the restaurant.

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Sunrise in Weligama

In these few days that have passed, a new calmness have started to settle, and also an understanding of how tiresome it is to adapt; to try new foods, places and to most of the time try and make sure we don’t insult anyone by saying no to their invitations. We’ve had great experiences with many people along the way thanks to them letting us be part of their lives, and it’s also taken a lot of energy to try to understand, to be around people and to communicate without having a complete shared language.

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Surfing Sri Lanka

With help from friends and family memebers, we’ve also started to see more clearly how used we’re to having time and space for ourselves, to be able to retreat into a quiet house or nature, to simply not having people around – something that’s common in Sweden and parts of Europe, but very rare in Asia.

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Not many people in the water early mornings

These are cultural behaviors and ways of living that we’d like to mix, but that up till now have been totally separated, and that’s also part of why we feel tired and overwhelmed at times.

Now we’ve settled into staying here in Sri Lanka, for now, and take one day at a time, not planning or booking too much and letting others “kidnap” our time just because we try and say Yes more often. We still want to feel that we’re able to choose what we want and need rather than to be nice to others.

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Happy and tired after surfing

This has been a good reminder of patterns we’ve had since long time, patterns and behaviors that are easy to fall back into. To do things out of habit rather than out of choice. It takes for us to slow down a bit, to build new ways of communication with our friends and the family here, to reset the way of approaching invitations and also to be clear about what we want, and make the space for us to do more of what we want and feel good about. It can still be to spend time together with others, maybe not so often though. If that is to be a bit “awkward” or different, so be it, it’s time to be grown up in that too and just be comfortable in being different.

Take care and see if you can listen a bit more closely to what you need today.

// Wivan and Anders

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Surf's up!

Time alone among others

It’s been a rather people-intense week since our hosts came back from their vacation, and we’ve been working together most of the days and spent time with guests/visitors most days. I do love to be around people and yet am in need of time alone every now and then.
This morning I felt in need of some extra time just being on my own – something that can be rather rare when living as a guest in someone else’s house.

One of our jobs

One of our jobs

But, here’s the lovely thing about being honest, and staying at really nice people’s place – it’s ok! At a small break during today’s work, I said that I felt a little tired “on the inside” and needed some time alone. So, after lunch when I asked what the plan was for the rest of the day, the spontaneous answer was: “Aren’t you going on a walk, or a bike ride on your own?”.

Anders' photo art

Anders’ photo art

Love it! It was like they had planned for me to get away for a bit, to be alone and it was nothing odd or any hard feelings, rather totally natural. So I took a walk with a fresh podcast in my headphones and enjoyed the afternoon sun. Then a dip in the pool, a shower and some yoga in our room and here I am now, ready to face other people again!

Nice huh!?

See ya! // Wivan

What to do when alone

To be alone here in Flores, after Anders left for Lisboa yesterday, is a little like being in a new place. Again. Though I know my way around and all, it feels different. And yes, I’ve had moments of sadness and felt lonely. But that’s ok.

Clouds

Clouds

This time alone also makes new things possible. But I feel a little confused, like ‘what should I do now?’.
So I just asked myself these questions:

What can I do?
What do I like to do?
What do I need to do?
What makes me feel good?

See, I realize I’ve made up a thing of that when Anders left I would/should get all that writing going, that I had planned to – articles, e-mails etc. But, I’m mostly confused and a bit lost among all the ideas and possibilities.

So, instead of trying too hard and crash into the wall of no-creativity, I’ll take a walk, let the nature and weather do its thing and rely on that things will fall into place in my head soon enough. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too – I can do confused, no problem!

// Wivan, the crazy-island-lady

Oh! By the way, Anders called last night and he’s doing really well in Lisboa. And it was so much fun to Skype with him!

Yesterday's After-the-airport-hike

Yesterday’s After-the-airport-hike